Written by Kerstie Blue
I wasn’t fond of a popular phrase in the world of coaching when I first heard it: “The way you show up in one area is the way you show up in every area.” When you first hear it, if it doesn’t immediately ring true for you, it’ll go in one ear and out the other. You’re telling me my issue that I can’t stop eating when I’m full has anything to do with the amount of work on my plate? And the constant fights with my partner because they don’t appreciate me have anything to do with eating too much dessert? Yeah, right. But honestly, yes. Only now, over a year after first hearing the phrase, can I understand the interrelation of these three seemingly unrelated events. If the three situations above – overeating, being overworked, and constantly playing defense against your partner – apply to you, then you’ll hear exactly what I’m about to say.
Let’s get straight into it. Are you ready? Consider the boundaries you hold for yourself in each area of your life:
Health
Relationship
Work
Consider the consistency with which you enforce said boundaries.
Daily or weekly
Before the boundaries are crossed
After the boundaries are crossed
The way you show up in one area is the way you show up in all areas, which in the specific scenario above would mean that you don’t keep boundaries in place to protect yourself, but instead suffer the consequences of things that you can’t seem to have any control over. In the case of overeating: you (rather mindlessly) continue to snack because it’s just so easy. It tastes good and seems to lift your mood. There are only a few more bites… so you finish them anyway. Don’t want to let it go to waste! Meanwhile, you aren’t aware of it, but your stomach is full. Your body is ready to stop eating, but it gets stuffed with one more bite. It’s reached its limit. A few minutes later, you’re feeling massively full. You didn’t respect the boundary of the capacity of your stomach. You chose to push yourself over the edge because you rationalized the last few bites, which are the equivalent of cents on the dollar, are worth more than the feeling of being satisfied but not sick.
In the case of being overworked: your day is full of to-do items that all need to be done yesterday. These items were tasked to you by your boss, so surely, they know your plate is full. Oh, but here’s an email with yet another thing that needs done…by the end of the day. Awesome, now your whole schedule is messed up, and you have to work through dinner yet again. You don’t know that your boss is distracted by some health issues and doesn’t realize how much is on your plate. They assumed that since you’ve been producing so much lately, you’re an incredible machine and can handle anything. This last-minute item should be no problem because they think you’re so good at managing your schedule. Since you don’t often ask for help prioritizing or shifting tasks to others on the team, from the boss’s perspective, you’re incredibly dedicated.
In the case of fighting with your partner: you help your partner by doing little tasks that create massive efficiencies in their day, like making their meals, putting away their laundry, and keeping track of their appointments. You’re already doing these things yourself, so that’s just a little more. It’s not like it takes you that long…but it does mean you didn’t have time to sit down today or to take that bath you were daydreaming about. Come to think of it, many of the things you don’t get to do are direct because you spend your time doing things that capable adults could do for themselves. Your partner feels so supported when you have their back for the things they can’t get to. They appreciate the generosity of your time and wonder what they can do to help you. You seem to have everything covered, and they are hard-pressed to find an opportunity to lend a hand. They’re not aware that you’re tired and sacrificing so much because they see their strong, capable partner that’s the glue of the household. They don’t want to disrupt the flow of what seems to be working well. Why fix something that’s not broken? In each of these situations, there’s an assumption on your part that everything is on your shoulders. You are the one who must sacrifice, and it’s not a huge deal: the one instance of overeating, working late, or taking care of someone else’s responsibilities is an easy choice at the moment – just do it. But what happens when you “just do it” one time too much? When you can’t take it. Enough is enough.
Boundaries are meant to be proactive protection so that life remains in balance. If you’re finding yourself fed up with something, odds are, there’s a pattern in your life – you’re not taking an active role in advocating for your well-being across the board. Consider other areas in your life where boundaries may be overstepped or maybe even non-existent. What actions can you take on the front end to ensure the end result is different?
